Written by The term grief empowerment is an oxymoron. These two words should not go together. The Merriman-Webster Dictionary defines grief as “deep and poignant emotional distress caused by or as if by bereavement.” A best-selling book known as the Grief Recovery Handbook describes loss as “grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”
It doesn’t mean get over it and move forward. Some theories suggest that but becoming empowered through your grief experience is not one of them. Sigmund Freud created the theory of “Grief Work” and talked about it in his paper called, “Mourning and Melancholia.” (Freud et al.)
Although Freud’s theory was standard practice and thought for years, it was later debunked by many in the field, and other theories suggested that working with grief should occur in stages that work more in an ebb-and-flow fashion. Lois Tonkin’s 1966 theory of “Growing around your grief” (Tonkin) is one such model.
Grief is a complicated matter, and there is no “one size fits all” model to suggest that there is the only way to grieve. Circumstances, conditions, relationship to the departed, tradition, and religious affiliations are just some of the reasons why no blanket theory applies to all cases of grief. The thought process of grief empowerment may not apply to a reader’s particular circumstance either.
The suggestion is that one can use their grief experiences as fuel to bring them to a better version of themselves. There are several examples of people that have done so.
One example is the Buster Douglas win over “Iron” Mike Tyson in 1990. Douglas suffered losses of bereavement, divorce, and self-esteem but used these aspects to his advantage in his heavyweight fight and victory over Tyson. Another is Isiah Thomas of the Boston Celtics, who, during the 2017 Playoff series, managed a 33-point game against the Chicago Bulls a few days after hearing about the death of his sister in a fatal car accident. He again had a 53-point performance against the Washington Wizards in that series, which occurred on his late sister’s birthday.
With focus, one does have the ability to enhance their performance in the wake of such tragedy. It is a matter of perspective that will create performance-enhancing opportunities. The oxymoron suggests using the experience you have endured to find a newer version of yourself. Consequently, you may find a better variation by discovering things about you that may not have revealed themselves if the experience did not occur. Further examples include Rose Swale-Pope, who ran from the UK to Nepal while collecting money for prostate cancer research. This was done in response to her husband’s death from the disease. Another person was Nancy Goodman-Brinker, who founded the Susan G. Komen Foundation. She did this due to her sister’s death from breast cancer.
These examples are what is referred to as becoming empowered from the grief experience. Job loss is another area that can empower a person to use their loss experience to rebuild anew. Western Union fired Thomas Edison. Due to creative differences, the comedian Jerry Seinfeld was fired from the television show “Benson.” He later went on to star and help create the award-winning television situation comedy Seinfeld. Even super investor Michael Bloomberg was fired from Salomon Brothers, A company he worked with for over 15 years. According to a news article, he put in 12-hour days for Salomon Brothers and was still let go.
People recover from a circumstance like a messy divorce or a bad breakup. (Wallace) The process of grieving about any experience is traumatic. Some wonder if recovery is possible. Not only is it possible, but in some instances, it can reveal a better version of yourself. No one wants to go through the experience of grief. The difficulty of the experience allows one to believe that the loss is a travesty. In certain situations, it is primarily if the suffering is related to losing a particular person or beloved family pet. The feeling is deep, and the mourning period can be extended or even complicated, as some therapists define it.
Finding a way to use the grief, transform the negative energy, and repurpose it to forward progress is essential. One must realize that the grief resulting from the loss is a byproduct of the experience that caused the grief to come to fruition. Learning to separate the emotions from the incident helps to mitigate the feelings. It is understood that the emotions felt from the loss are causing the grief experience. One cannot become emotionless, and this is not to suggest that one should attempt to. Humans are not Vulcans (Star Trek reference), but humans can learn to harness negative emotions and use them as wind to propel them forward.
Comparing grief to physics (metaphorically speaking), grief is energy manifested in the human brain. Science has been able to identify the fact that the brain uses electromagnetic energy to communicate with other parts of itself. The laws of conservation of energy state that energy can never die, but it can be manipulated to transfer and transform into other forms of energy. A simple game of pool or billiards demonstrates the concept of transference, while nuclear power reflects the concept of energy transformation.
Because the human brain uses energy, that energy can (theoretically) follow the laws of physics. This concept has been demonstrated through earlier examples but is also based on human desire. Mental illness aside, the issues that cause grief manifest are emotions that the griever can control to a certain degree. The feelings will arise, but how a person utilizes them will depend on their chosen perspective. It will take work. One must understand that the shifts and pulls you will endure are a must because it is one of the demands of life.
Let’s take bereavement as an example. No one wants to see their loved one pass away, and the emotions associated with that are an extreme challenge, but we all know that no one lives forever, and we do not know when our last day will come. We attempt to rationalize that someone dying is unfair, but that is not the case. The manner or timeframe they passed may allow us to believe that, and our emotions related to the circumstances let us feel that the situation was unfair.
How things happen creates our perspective on the circumstances that caused the grief. The situation that caused the loss may be viewed as unfair, and how it occurred may be. I do not want people to feel that if a loved one was taken from them in some ill-mannered way, it was meant to be that way. I am not saying that at all. I am indicating that now that it has happened in the way that it happened, how will one choose to respond to it?
Earlier discussed, people like Isiah Thomas and Nancy Goodman-Brinker saw their loved ones pass at young ages, which played a role in how they chose to respond to the losses. Thomas decided to play his heart out in a game to honor the loss of his sibling, while Goodman-Brinker created a foundation in her sister’s honor. It will not detract from the timeframe, situation, or associated emotions. Instead of staying on the wheel of wonder, their choices were to honor the loss to the best of their ability. The option was to empower themselves from the grief they experienced. Their choices do not take the hurt and pain away from the losses they suffered, but it does allow them to change their perspective on the losses and use the negative energy to their advantage. In doing so, they were able to help both themselves and others.
In Thomas’ case, people who may have been going through similar experiences witnessed his strength and ability to honor his sister, and in turn, they garnered strength. In Goodman-Brinker’s situation, she vowed to help others not go through what she did in losing her sister. They both decided to see the challenges they were facing and empower themselves. The byproduct in both circumstances was that they helped others understand their losses better, help prevent further loss, and honor the people they lost simultaneously. This is the benefit of shifting perspective and empowering themselves from the grief instead of letting the emotions of grief overtake and incapacitate them. Realize that one can shift the negative energy and use it as fuel. Again, it will not change the loss that occurred, but it will change the perspective on the loss. Healing from the loss is a conscious effort. One will remember what they have lost, but they will understand that, although they cannot control the loss that occurred, they can control how they choose to respond to it.