Written by Sole Solo Parenting
I specialize in working with single fathers who have become sole parents due to long-term or permanent situations that have profoundly affected their family structure. I refer to this as Sole Solo Parenting. This experience is distinctly different from single parenting due to divorce, breakup, or temporary separation caused by work or distance. Sole Solo Parenting, particularly when it results from loss, has significant effects on the mind and emotional well-being.
This discussion is not about comparing whose situation is more challenging; single parenting is difficult under any circumstances. However, Sole Solo Parenting presents unique challenges for specific reasons. Unlike situations involving divorce, separation, or geographically distant parents, Sole Solo Parenting often arises unexpectedly and without mutual decision, as neither party chooses to be apart. This fundamental difference can lead to distinct emotional and practical challenges that deserve recognition and support.
A sole solo parent did not ask for their significant other to leave. Life’s circumstances forced it to happen. Emotionally, the surviving parent must manage their highly charged emotions due to loss and at the same time, help their children navigate through their also. Multiple parties are facing a similar grief, but in a variety of ways. Children see the loss of their parent, their protector, and role model. Surviving parents see the loss of the person they are neurologically connected with due to finding what some label as their soul mate.
Similarities Between Love and Drug Addiction
Navigating these choppy waters is harrowing to say the least. The emotional impact of losing someone special is one of the most traumatic experiences a person must deal with. Dr. Lisa Shulman gave a webinar on this for the American Brain Foundation. She describes the physical effect that the brain puts the body through during this time. She stated, “This triggers what most people know as the ‘fight or flight’ response. Stress hormones course throughout the body. Your heart starts racing, your blood pressure increases, your respiratory rate increases, you become sweaty, as the body marshals defenses for you to protect yourself, one way or another.”
The effects are scary, and they trigger the Amygdala to condition our bodies to respond as if physical harm is being done or about to be done to us. How does this remotely relate to a drug addict and love? Dopamine releases in the brain affect our feelings related to loss, love, and fear. An article in Yale Medicine said, “When a person develops an addiction to a substance, it’s because the brain has started to change. This happens because addictive substances trigger an outsized response when they reach the brain. Instead of a simple, pleasurable surge of dopamine, many drugs of abuse-such as opioids, cocaine, or nicotine-cause dopamine to flood the reward pathways, 10 times more than a natural reward.”
In two separate articles, both submitted to the Journal of Psychology Zhiling Zou and Helen Fisher compared the effects of love (especially initial love) to those of addiction. Stating the similarities between the two effects. Neuroimaging suggested romantic love and drug addiction display similar effects in the brain. Fisher’s entry talked about feelings of euphoria, craving, withdrawal, and relapse.
Quitting Love “Cold Turkey”
If one has ever been in love, they remember the feelings of longing to see their sweetheart, loving the long walks and talks on the phone, and the awesome dates experienced. Now imagine the feelings felt when all that is violently taken away due to a circumstance beyond our control. It can be like going “cold turkey.” If a person does not get their fix, whether it is drugs or love, negative feeling arises.
How does one feel when the person they are in love with doesn’t call them back, or they haven’t heard from them in a day or two? It almost feels like a dope addict not getting their dose. When a person loses someone special, like a spouse or significant other, due to a circumstance like death, their minds have a hard time adjusting to the loss. You will never forget them, but the brain has also now been hardwired to the desires of being with them. According to Dr. Mary Frances O’Connor, a psychologist and neuroscientist, she discusses in her book, The Grieving Brain, that the brain’s neurotransmitters must now readjust to accommodate the feelings of loss.
Patterns that the brain has been used to are now upended. This causes a series of emotional, mental, and even physical stresses. The brain controls all aspects of the body, such as the cardiovascular system, digestive functions, and breathing. An article written by Michael Merschel in the American Heart Association News, stated, “Other research has linked grief to disrupted sleep, immune system changes and the risk of blood clots.” The mental side is like the emotional and compounds the physical effects felt because of loss.
Emotional Ebbs and Flows
In addition to the brain’s mechanisms that give us reason to act how we feel and reasons many seek additional ways to help abate, neutralize, or stave off those feelings, our minds are impacted by the loss. There is no therapy, there are no drugs, and there is no amount of alcohol that will make those feelings go away. Unfortunately, many of those things only enhance the monster of grief, which is a slew of emotions constantly ebbing and flowing within our psyche.
Emotionally, we remember seeing the person we love at the place you’ve always gone together for coffee or dinner. You recall the first time you saw them and remember the first time you met. You soon realize that those memories will not be shared again. You are the exclusive owner.
Here is where I will tell you that kicking that bad habit of being constantly reminded can be transformed into something amazing. But like kicking a drug habit, one’s state of mind must readjust to see the loss as an opportunity. Opportunity based on a grim circumstance that was not wanted or desired at all. Ask yourself this question. Would the person I loved and lost want me to be like this? Your answer can be the catalyst to your new world.
After the loss of my wife, I chose to find a better version of me. A me that would have never emerged if I did not experience the darkness of her loss. I certainly would trade my life now for another moment to be with her, but because that cannot be done, my only choice is to become the best version of me and know she is looking down with a big smile. As Marcus Aurelius wrote in his book Meditations, “You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
I found the strength that was wrapped in heartbreak, but I have also discovered that strength lies in our moments of weakness. Back to the original comparison of love to addiction. These effects show that the feeling of love is strong, and when you care for someone deeply, you are literally addicted to them. Know that although the addictions can fade over time, the memories of what you had never will. The time you had should be cherished and relished. Allow it not to be a prison, but a passport to a new opportunity.