Written by Bereavement-related grief is so challenging because it plays on many aspects of the human emotional psyche. On a level, just as harrowing is the grief related to the loss of a relationship. There are many reasons and relationship loss can take many forms. Some end in divorce, others from betrayal, and others from drifting apart. The one thing they all share is the incredible toll it takes on the heart.
At times, it can be physical. One out of three women and 1-4 men are abused by their spouse annually. There are occasions when people stay together, and chaos and misery are the only things that keep the relationship intact. This form of grief can be so severe that some take physical, mental, and emotional abuse in an attempt to keep dying relationships alive. The percentage of people in bad relationships can’t be counted accurately, but the rate of abuse, divorce, or break up is staggering. For example, a poll was taken, and at a 6 per every 1000 ratio, a divorced occur in a marriage, resulting in 689,308 divorces.
The worst feeling in the world is finding a person you believe is your soulmate, only to find out that they are your jailer. We have seen this phenomenon repeatedly play out in TV soap operas, on-screen escapades, and even in the news. Heartbreak is a form of grief that no one should have to go through, but it, unfortunately, is a reality. The crazy thing is that although it may feel like the end of life as you know it, this hardship can become beneficial and even transformative.
When people leave a relationship that is not beneficial, a few find a better version of themselves that was only revealed by going through the tragedy of a challenging romance. For several reasons (incresed self-esteem, better relationship knowledge, and higher self-worth), some men and women emerge from a bad relationship better than they were before they went in. Seeing themselves as survivors and warriors who went through the battles of being brokenhearted gives them the understanding that someone is more deserving of them, creating an opportunity to reignite their previously burnt-out candles.
Do not get me wrong, there is a long season of introspection, and it takes a shift in perspective to see a bad relationship as an opportunity for change. Many spend years bitter and upset over the loss, the person, and the circumstances surrounding the relationship’s ending. That is to be expected because the feelings of the heart can be vicious when it feels like it has been torn from one’s chest. I experienced it and have seen the effects on many others during my journey.
The truth is that anyone can bounce back, even from the most challenging of relational issues. Some do make the mistake of staying in the clutches of the horrors in hopes that what used to be will return, but often, that results in waiting in vain. Those who learn to pick themselves back up and realize their self-worth will see the heartbreak as a lesson and period of growth needed to find their better version. Sometimes, heartbreak reveals our sense of worth and allows us to regain self-respect.
Realizing that the person who walked out on you was not the person for you takes time and a real sense of understanding. Those who forgive themselves for the circumstance and forgive the other party by moving forward often see what is better for them. Understanding the laws of attraction means that they brought a person into their life because of a flaw in their own character. A flaw that they failed to see, and it cost them valuable days, months, years, or even decades. This is not to absolve the other party of their responsibility; it is just to say that at some point, the griever allowed the heart’s emotions to override the brain’s logic.
In the back of our minds, we know we had some level of responsibility for the events that ended in our hearts feeling shattered. The ones that agree to move forward are the ones that admit it. Nobody wants to believe that they had any hand in their demise. It is a hard pill to swallow, and many would rather blame the other party instead of looking in the mirror and seeing the role they played in their downfall. Taking responsibility for your part in the ordeal begins the healing process.
Realizing that you cannot change the other person is another. Believing that you are also better than what you are experiencing brings the healing circle closer together. Realizing that you are better off without the person who caused you harm (physically, mentally, or emotionally) helps you because you see the great wide open of possibilities. Also, some people need time to sort themselves out. All break-ups do not have to be permanent. There are stories of divorce or break up in which the lovers come back together after finding themselves again. It happens 6% of the time. Some couple find their way back to each other.
It is not something that happens all the time, but for many, it is the hope they hang on to. It is a fine line between hope and reality. Sometimes, seeing that there is no chance of repair means that moving forward to find better is the best course of action. Looking to rekindle old feelings is something some broken lovers long for, but the key word in that phrase is old. Old indicates that one is willing to move backward to seek forward progress. That is ordinarily antithetical and a once-in-a-lifetime situation, but many believe it will happen; that is when the nails of grief sink in deep; nine times out of ten, the reunion will cease, and the fairytale of happiness ends in round two of heartbreak.
I am not saying that love should not be given a chance; I would never advocate that, but I am telling the people who know in their hearts and minds that if it is not meant to be, then do not attempt to force a square peg into a round hole. Doing so only sets both parties up for disaster, and grief is the only thing that wins in that scenario. Sometimes, the most genuine act of love is learning to let go.
The goal is to negate the feeling of grief and not to give it another crack at breaking your heart. Although it may hurt to hear, the reality is that finding yourself and what is great about you is always more important than looking for someone who will not complete you. While looking in the wrong direction, you may miss the opportunity that is indeed the person that will satisfy you. The temporary grief you feel should never trump your belief that someone out there is made to treat you like you deserve to be treated.
See the lousy circumstance as an opportunity to find yourself and eventually the person that complements you. Do not feel that just because a time in your life with a person you thought was your soulmate caused you heartache, you do not deserve to be loved. Some make that mistake, but the ones that pick themselves back up, take responsibility and learn their worth will find the love they think has diminished them. Typically, they will not have to search because the universe has a way of healing the heartache, but first, you must agree to deserve it. Knowing that you are worthy of being treated well is the most significant part of finding happiness with someone. Before you can love anyone, you must first learn to love yourself.
When that happens, it is amazing what comes your way. You may have to wait, but that is OK because good things always come to those who wait. Waiting will give you the time needed to concentrate on yourself. During that waiting period, self-discovery opens the doorway to a person who will complement you. Once you find that person, you will look back on your old relationship and appreciate what you went through because it got you to a place that brought you true love. Primarily, the love of self will attract a person who will be the person for you.
Given the proper perspective, grief can open doors to new options that will give you the happiness you deserve. You now see how heartbreak can be your saving grace. Gaining a new perspective on heartbreak allows for repair and growth.
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