Written by My wife of 17 years passed away, and I was devastated. About six months later, I finally cleaned out her side of the closet and received an absolute shock. I found her journal, which contained some past and recent history that destroyed me. Later, I brought my revelations to friends and a trusted family member. My wife and I had been friends with these particular people for over 20 years, and when my wife died, they consoled me like I figured friends would. My family member had been close to me, and she was also a good friend to my wife. So, when I told these people of my discoveries, I figured they would be in shock and horror and sympathize with how I felt. That was anything but the case.
My revelations so rocked me that they disturbed me to my core, and I needed support from the people I loved. When I revealed my findings, dismay and amazement were not what they felt; instead, they were upset that I found out. One of my “so-called” friends told me that I was at fault and that I was a horrible husband who deserved to be treated this way. I was not at all. I had my flaws, but none were near what I discovered. The other friend I spoke to cursed me out over my discovery and then told me that she was more interested in the season finally of “Game of Thrones” than in my pain and, before she hung up, said she would call me later. That was seven years ago. I have not heard from her since.
I then called my family member, thinking she would help me through my pain, and her retort to me after I told her was, “F it, you got played, just move on.” Mind you, this all occurred in less than 24 hours. I felt like my entire world had just caved in, and the people I thought would support me kicked the rest of my sandcastle over. I spent years depressed but had to hide it because we had children, and I could not let them know that my pain was due to things their mother did. Plus, my wife was now dead, which meant I could never get a chance to discuss it. The anger, bitterness, and rage just kept piling up, and it started affecting me health-wise, both mentally and physically.
I stopped eating, drank heavily, smoked tons of weed, and became a pack-a-day smoker. All to quell the demons dancing freely in my head. Another “real” friend and a therapist talked to me upon my request, and I poured my heart out to him. His statement was a real shock, but it was the wake-up I needed. I thank him so much for that. He said, “Now that you learned that your life was not what you envisioned, how do you want to make it? You have two choices: (1) live in your misery and stay connected to it, or (2) create something new for yourself.” He then said. “Be thankful for getting kicked out of the nest because now it has forced you to fly.” He then gave me some literature to read, websites, and videos to watch, including a speech from J.K. Rawlings (Rawlings, 2008), and told me about a theory related to people grieving over loved ones that passed. It was called “Tonkin’s Model of Grief.” (Tonkin, L. 1996) As someone who loves researching, I gravitated to the opportunity and began reading about this theory. The premise was that people can grow around their grief, and instead of letting it consume them, they can rebuild their life by using the grief as a reminder of their past and allowing it to become an incentive for progress. A PDF of the theory is in the bibliography of this article because it is interesting. Although it is targeted at grief related to losing a person, I felt it could also apply to other forms of grief. Here is where I began receiving my revelations.
Nearly a year later, I was dead scrolling through YouTube one day and found an interesting sermon by Pastor Joel Osteen. In his sermon “God’s Got This.” (Osteen, J. 2018) He talked about not concentrating on your enemies and instead letting God handle them. You move on to work on finding a better version of yourself. I was not majorly into religion then, but it made sense because my mind was so focused on hate, revenge, and payback that it did not allow me to see opportunities. I recalled this other YouTube “motivational” video by Mulligan Brothers. (Mulligan Brothers, 2017) I heard somewhat similar talk to what the Sermon was saying. It hit me because I remembered thinking at the time that this video was made for me. It almost seemed like this guy was talking straight to me.
I finally got tired of being sick and tired of letting my demons of the past control me and realized how golden my opportunities were. I began to understand what Rawling said in her speech, “Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.” (Rawlings, J.K. 2008) As time passed, I learned more about myself and how I could become a better version due to my challenges, which I now see as only some obstacles I had to overcome. I also realized that my past does not create my future unless I decide to dwell in it. There is so much promise in all the new possibilities that gave me a broom to clean out my old cobwebs.
I have now built a business around using the past as fuel to create unimaginable possibilities. I had to understand that to think this way; I had to overcome those obstacles. I tell my clients to look at their circumstances differently. See the power you have gained by being released from your prison without walls, the ones you either did not know you were in or declined to believe you were in. I give them these pieces of advice to ponder:
- You can re-create your life better than the one you had before, and consequently, you will turn your previous detractors into unconscious admirers because they will wonder how you rose amongst their attempts to hold you down.
- You will have the opportunity to find your tribe of people that will have your back and be loyal because now you are gravitating to people that better understand you versus people that mistreated you in your past.
- You see the opportunities created by being “kicked out of the nest” (I still use that phrase). It builds your confidence and allows you to fulfill the true purpose of your destiny.
- Your re-creation of self is a promotion.
- Do not worry about the people who did not support or disrespected you in the past. Let the higher powers deal with them while you concentrate on your elevation.
This will be painful but realize it is a pain related to progress, while your previous pain was due to stagnation. One pain is worth it, but the other only keeps you at bay. Perspective is key. How you see the situation is what matters, so thank those that kicked you out of the nest because they helped you to fly. It is the perspective that will guide you forward.
Bibliography
Lois Tonkin TTC, Cert Counselling (NZ) (1996) Growing around grief—another way of looking at grief and recovery, Bereavement Care, 15:1, 10, DOI: 10.1080/02682629608657376
[Mulligan Brothers/YouTube]. (2017, July 6). Beyond The Haters [Video]. https://www.Youtube.com/@MulliganBrothers.
[Joel Osteen/YouTube]. (2018, September 17). God’s Got This [Video]. https://www.Youtube.com/@Joelosteen.
[Harvard University/YouTube]. (2008, June 5). “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination”[Video]. On Art and Aesthetics. https://onartandaesthetics.com/2015/12/07/rock-bottom-as-solid-foundation/