Written by Human action is always based on making a decision. Sometimes, the decision aligns with human nature; other times, it runs counter. It is either one or the other. Everyone knows a person who drinks too much, and they know they do, but their human decision is to continue because human nature says that enjoying pleasure is more important than consequence. These decisions feed our spirit for fun until the consequence occurs. Several ideologies, from philosophical Hedonism to modern-day political theory, justify or invalidate thinking. Moral philosophy and personal integrity also come into play. However, grief is not such a black-and-white or blanket thought process.
When people are going through periods of grief, actions at times usurp morals and feelings of right and wrong. Depending on how the grief occurred is one factor. Another is the person affected. Everyone sees a situation differently; therefore, their actions resulting from how the grief affected them will differ. For example, if a person was wronged by their significant other, they may take a few tracts. One thought maybe that they did it to me, so I am going to pay them back, while the other may be that the hurt that was caused to me, I would not want another to experience. It depends on your moral compass and how deeply you felt wounded by the happening.
When people have had negative experiences of any kind, becoming better from the experience or becoming bitter about it is a choice. (Osteen, J.) The option to stay angry over the matter is the doorway that grief uses to enter and stay for a long time. Some feel they have the right to remain upset over the occurrence, but the problem with that philosophy is that it stagnates and keeps a person tied to the circumstance. Often people wonder why the situation lingers in their minds for so long. The choice to stay anchored to the event is the reason.
It is challenging to let go of something painful that has negatively affected you. Some ways to address the issue are tools for healing and yield abilities to grow. Listed are a few:
- Learn from the circumstance. Experience can become the best teacher. Even when losing someone dear, a lesson must be learned. The loss is not the lesson. How you have learned to move through the loss is.
- It is choosing to see grief as an obstacle to overcome versus an impediment that cannot be.
- It is finding strength from perceived weakness. Know that the event was designed to break you but realize that endurance morphs into power.
It is not easy to see the situation in this manner, but it is also not easy to dwell on the happening. One way becomes the pain of progress, while the other lingers and haunts. Forgiveness is not easy for humans, and pending the reason for the offense or the circumstance’s result can make it much more challenging. Taking a page from my personal hits of offenses and situations, I recall a significant incident that kept me stationary for a long time (years). It was forgiveness that pulled me out of that position. When my wife died, I was angry. My pain felt so harsh that I even was upset at God for taking her. Although losing her was a significant blow, I had to see the lesson of the loss. Forgiving myself for being unable to keep her from getting sick, realizing that death will happen to us all, and understanding that my wife would not want me to stay in a “holding pattern” led to a change in perspective.
I could not change what occurred and had to realize that wanting the matter to change and wanting her back were the reasons that I was not moving forward. While staying in my feeling, I was not aiding my progress. My human nature was to linger over the matter, but I had to make the human decision to advance through the hurt. My fight with myself allowed me to break free from my stagnation.
This is what many must do. Come to a truth of the matter, to get through the matter. A book by the late Trevor Moawad discusses getting to positive from a negative circumstance. He talks about getting to the neutral before getting to the positive. The neutral of the matter is seeing the truth of the situation. Seeing the reality of where you are, becomes a compass that will allow you to move forward. That forward movement equates to progress over time. You may move slowly but will advance if you continue. Confucius said, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.”
During these times of feeling helpless and stagnant, our force of will must override our emotions and counter our human nature, which is to feed into those emotions. That attempt is to justify the lack of movement. People must reapply the energy of stagnation (yes, lack of movement is still a utilization of energy) to move to a new plateau. Your potential energy (stagnation is energy at rest) can become kinetic with your thoughts. Those thoughts lead to actions that create movement, but they must begin with the fight of one’s human nature. That force of will in which you must discipline yourself to move, even when your human nature prefers stagnation.
This disagreement with the self is morally wrong and is evident from the mental tug-of-war that one goes through. The decision to forgive, let go, and move is based on overriding human nature. The goal is always to get to our greater good; sometimes, the mind will not agree. It will want us to feed into our human nature of feelings of deserving to be stagnant. For a time, the situation may hurt to the point where one may feel they cannot progress. This is valid for a time major dilemma may force a moment of pause. That pause is commonly needed to get bearing and redirect the course, but it should not be made into a permanent vacation. Grief will make you think that you are meant to stay at rest.
Over time movement must happen because if not, one dwells in the thoughts of the circumstance, and now that moment of pause has become a choice to stay in place. You must desire to get to a better version of yourself, and that version will not be found if you choose not to move. Being comfortable in discomfort is a way to stay bitter, and the lack of progress will prove that better has not been achieved.
Managing grief is complex, and staying rooted in your misery seems to be the “safe choice” at the time, but the truth is, there is no safety in lack of progress; one has only agreed to stay in that zone of perceived comfort, which like I earlier mentioned, is not comfort at all. Making the uncomfortable decision to move and get through the human nature aspect will result in getting to a better version of yourself. Ultimately, you will have that negative situation to thank for it because it has pulled you out of the stagnation that you put yourself into.
Bibliography
Osteen, Joel (Twitter), You can come out bitter, or you can come out better. Don’t just go through it. Grow through it. There is purpose in your pain. June 1, 2015, 6:15 AM
“Prison of Offense.” Facebook, uploaded by Steven Furtick/Facebook, 8 May 2020, www.facebook.com/StevenFurtick/videos/the-prison-of-offense/256336045520875/.
Moawad, Trevor. It Takes What It Takes. 1st ed., Harper One, 2020, https://doi.org/0062947125.
“Confucius Quotes.” BrainyQuote.com. BrainyMedia Inc, 2023. 18 May 2023. https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/confucius_140908
Davis, Mark. “What Is Potential Energy?” LifeScience, 23 May 2019, www.livescience.com/65548-potential-energy.html.