Written by There is a period that sympathy is welcome when first going through a grieving period. After some time, grief catches on and starts to use it to keep you locked in its grip. Some people make the mistake of looking for sympathy over the long term, and when they cannot find it, they become resentful and frustrated with the people they think they should be receiving sympathy from. It is a double-edged sword because the feeling of kindness and caring that comes with receiving sympathy are soothing and calming during that turbulent feeling in your life. Sympathy makes one feel safe and leads some to believe that caring will last.
Although it is a desire, it is not a reality. Over time, those that have been sympathetic to your need must tend to their own matters, and it becomes difficult for them to divide their time. You are in need while they are moving on with their lives. It puts you in limbo and can leave you uneasy feelings. You become vulnerable because anyone that lends you that sympathetic ear may not always have your best interest at heart and may view it as an opportunity to take advantage of your vulnerability.
This is a sweet spot for grief. It will allow you to open up to people who play on your weak state and may treat you like a crash test dummy, knowing that all they need to do is play you by treating you with sympathy. This is not all people at all. In fact, it is just a tiny group that will do this. The problem is that these people doing this will drain you, and you will not even suspect it because they are filling a void of your need.
Your sympathetic nature turns into frustration and suspicion when you realize it. Your grief is doing the “happy dance” all around you. Knowing that it now has you in deep confusion. You are upset because you only want someone to care about you and help you through your tough time, and you long for someone to feel your pain.
Again, grief is tormenting you because it knows you want sympathy from an engaging soul. Realize that sympathy will not heal you. It will only caress the wound. Grief understands this and will bring you to the edge, sometimes causing you to look for that person.
This is not to say that sympathy is wrong by any means, and seeking it is not wrong either. It means that to begin the healing journey; one must cease looking for that sympathetic ear and focus on moving through the loss. Conversely, empathy is a tool that grievers can use to help move the healing process along. For example, engaging with others that have gone through a similar circumstance gives you a frame of reference, and they may be able to offer guidance based on experience.
Although everyone processes the pain differently, knowledge of a situation can provide information that may help address the feelings and help process those feelings. The empathetic person understands what the griever is going through. Not the griever’s personal circumstance, but they can relate to the symptoms. An article that appeared in MedicineNet.com, an online publication, talked about how empathy lets the griever feel like the person on the other side is sharing their pain. The writer said, “Empathy is putting oneself in the other person’s situation, sharing the emotional burden with the affected person, coming up with solutions, and helping them.” Empathy has many elements of sympathy but is not the same. Sympathy seekers want someone to feel sorry for their circumstance, which is warranted for a time. Some examples are the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a breakup, or being abused. These are just some of many examples of the reason for needed sympathy seeking.
After some time, the griever seeking this element must ask themselves why they are seeking these actions. If the grief is of a complicated or long-term nature, then the reasons may go beyond the need for support. The feeling is deeply entrenched. An article that came from the prolongedgrief.columbia.edu website discussed this aspect. The article said, “Grief dominates their thoughts and feelings with no respite in sight. Relationships with family and friends flounder. Life can seem purposeless, like nothing seems to matter without their loved one. Others begin to feel frustrated, helpless and discouraged. Even professionals may be uncertain about how to help.”
The need now may become a want to have attention, which is another tool that grief uses to attack the griever. Grief knows that seeking attention for your grief will “turn off” others and may lead them to question your motives. A re-released article from December 16, 2021, which reappeared on April 14, 2023, on the ChosingTherapy.com website, talked about how seeking sympathy can be more about seeking attention than support. The writer Silvi Saxena, MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C said, “Getting sympathy from others isn’t always a negative thing. When we lose a loved one, we often get sympathy from others. For attention seekers, sympathy seeking involves purposefully doing certain things or embellishing stories to be portrayed as the victim. Attention seekers also seek sympathy by complaining often for things large and small, hoping one of these things will provoke sympathy in others.” (Saxena, 2021)
Again, support is what a griever should seek, and anyway, it comes, whether through sympathy, empathy, or compassion, should be welcome. It is when the griever seeks out these actions from others over a long period of time that grief further dominates one’s emotional state. To keep your grief from becoming manipulative and allowing you to become susceptible to manipulation, you must understand this:
- Sympathy is for a time period that is somewhat immediate to the grief endured.
- Seeking people to sympathize with your grief can make you susceptible to manipulation.
- Finding support through professionals, non-judgmental friends/family, or organizations that work with the various stages of grief and its complications is a benefit.
- Do not get angry at people that are no longer providing the sympathy they once did. Understand that others may not understand your extended need for support.
What is difficult for the griever to grasp is that as time passes, the grief related to your loss does not go away, but the support for your loss may. Here is when you must come to terms with the reality of the loss, and instead of seeking sympathy to make you feel better, use the loss as a tool of learning to help you move forward through the experience. At some point, you must take control and not look to hand your hurt off to someone else. Frankly, it stinks but it is the only way to progress through the challenge.
Bibliography
Radhakrishnan, R., ENT, & Uttekar, P. S., , MD (n.d.). Is Sympathy Better Than Empathy? Medcinenet. https://www.medicinenet.com/is_sympathy_better_than_empathy/article.htm
Columbia University School of Social Work (n.d.). CG is a form of grief that takes hold of a person’s mind and won’t let go. Center for Prolonged Grief. https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/complicated-grief-public/overview/
Saxena, S., MBA, MSW, LSW, CCTP, OSW-C, & Abulhosn, R., MD (2021, December 16). Attention Seeking Behavior: Examples & How to Stop. Choosing Therapy. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/attention-seeking-behavior/