Written by When the words ‘benefit’ and ‘loss’ are put together, it appears to be a huge oxymoron. The crazy thing is that there are true benefits in the losses that people suffer. The actual act that caused the loss is not the benefit, nor is the person, place, or thing lost the benefit. These are where the oxymoron takes place. What you learn from the loss is unintentional, but it becomes vital to moving through the loss.
There are four benefits that can be experienced from a loss:
The knowledge that is acquired from the loss is not something that anyone chooses to learn but because the loss forced it upon you, the choice to learn from it is always beneficial versus attempting to avoid the lessons or evading your new truth. Michael Cholbi, an expert who wrote about the benefits of grief in his book, “Grief: A Philosophical Guide” says, “Yet grief is something we should embrace rather than avoid, an important part of a good and meaningful life. The key to understanding this paradox is that grief offers us a unique and powerful opportunity to grow in self-knowledge by fashioning a new identity.”
The example I will give is my own. When I lost my wife in 2016 due to illness, I had to learn so many new things. We had two daughters, and my learning curve was severe, but in choosing to go headfirst into my forced education, forged and incredible bond between the three of us. I had to learn how to cook for instance. Prior to 2016, I could not even boil water properly, now I have cooked thousands of meals and although I am not a chef by any means, I am a darn good cook now. I also had to learn to become more sensitive because I have daughters and I found that I could not raise them heavy handedly. My wife brought balance prior to 2016. I was the stick, and she was the feather. I had to learn to become both. I had to create mental shifts because at the time, I was steep in tradition.
The tradition was that a man does not find out the whole truth about their daughter’s affections towards boys. My wife was usually the broker, and she would gently let me know that the girls had met someone, and they liked them. She would sugar coat it, so I was not too inquisitive or delved too deeply. She would always say, “I am handling it.”
One day, shortly a few months after my wife’s death, I was confronted by my youngest daughter, who just turned 15 at the time. She proceeded to tell me about how her boyfriend was cheating on her with another girl. Of course, I was furious and wanted to be on the hunt. I then stopped for a second and realized I had been a 14-year-old boy before and cheated on many girlfriends throughout my life (Karma is a “B” and it is the sins of the father that my daughters are experiencing). It stuck but it was a lesson for both of us. I had to learn to be that sympathetic ear that she needed during her teenage crisis. It was painful, but all lessons are.
One of my clients unfortunately lost her son in a car accident. His parents were divorced, and he would come over and cut his mothers lawn because not only did he feel obligated, but he also owned a lawn-cutting service. Upon his death, she would go and get his mail and check his phone messages. There was a pile up of inquiries and invoices for service, as well as bills for expenses. After some time, as a way of honoring his legacy, she took over the business, and what started as a way to solve an immediate problem, became a new career and an homage to her son. She does not do much lawn cutting anymore because she has hired a team, but her decision to face the challenge versus avoiding it, brought her to a shift in mentality that became a stream of revenue that eventually replaced her old one. It is a bittersweet circumstance.
Again, no one wants to receive the learning from the loss, but the new abilities become an asset. The forced knowledge creates abilities. According to Dr. Mary Francis O’Connor, new neuro pathways are formed from the loss. Grievers can choose to accept the change and learn to work through it or choose to reject and continue to run from the learning. Many feel they are fleeing the pain, but at some point, one runs into a brick wall and is forced to deal with the pain.
Unfortunately, the constant running has not produced the opportunity to learn how to properly address the loss suffered. There is a region in our brains that act as a warning when confronted with a perceived threat. The amygdala is responsible for that fight or flight feeling that one feels when threatened or in a challenging circumstance.
Over time the brain may perceive the learning lessons as a possible threat, encouraging the griever to flee. One must make a concerted effort to fight the urge to run and choose to stand and receive the learning. Even if it feels mentally painful at the time, the alternative is dealing with the pain now in hopes to learn more and become a master over it or allow the grief to have its way with you. That is the choice grief prefers that you make.
All learning is hard and that puts us in perceived thoughts of inferiority. When the decision to change perspective is acted upon, that perception gives way to endless opportunity. The choice has gone from “why did this happen” to “how can I learn from this.” The mourning period will produce pain and hurt from the actual loss and those feeling are natural. Running away from it, blockading yourself from it or numbing the pain with medication, drugs, or alcohol will only keep the period of grief as a constant reminder of the loss.
Ultimately, that produces pain without a lesson. The alternative is to sit in the feeling and allow them to help you in your healing journey. Yes, it will hurt for that period as the images of the loss flood your mind. You will have moments of rage, crying, and anger over the loss. Although hurtful, these emotions allow one to release, and with that release comes room for other things to enter. Your mind is slowly helping you heal from the circumstance you endured. From that period, strength is found.
Because you have chosen to confront the grief, you allow yourself to move forward while at the same time pulling away from the grip that the suffering has on you. Once you go through that period (and there is no defined timeframe), nuggets of strength, knowledge, and wisdom are incurred. The process is not a good feeling, but it is necessary for acceptance. It will give you new insights into abilities and strengths you did not know you possessed. It seems that the hardship dislodges something that can now be used to bring that better version of yourself forward. The trade-off to get the new skills, thoughts, and abilities you currently have, came at a tremendous price, but understanding that you would never have acquired the skills if the situation had not occurred is valuable. It is like going to the gym to work out. The pain will produce a healthier and more functional version of yourself, but you must endure the pain first.
The loss one incurs is not something desired, but how one moves with the new information received will determine if they learn from the experience or allow the loss to engulf them. One can override the natural emotions of grief by standing with them and allowing them to become a part of you. Each day you decide to learn from the suffering, the anguish lessens. Running creates the opposite effect.
You will not learn from one of the most outstanding teachers of all time (pain/loss). It is not a popular teacher at all. Neither were the hard teachers in school, but you learned the most from them. The unknown benefits of the loss will be revealed over time when you agree to confront and learn from them. Again, I must reiterate that what one has lost is not the lesson. The lesson comes from how the loss is processed and the choices to either learn from them or avoid the lesson altogether.