Written by Hear But More Importantly, Listen
Single fathers, this can be a crazy situation, but when navigated correctly, can bridge the gap and build a bond that can’t be broken. I remember when my daughter was 15 and had to talk to someone about an issue she had with her boyfriend. My wife had just died and she didn’t have a mommy figure to have this conversation with, so she brought it to me. I was still going through it over my wife’s death and didn’t know what to say to my daughter about her issue.
Oddly enough, it turned out to be the best thing for our relationship. It’s crucial to understand that often children just need someone to listen to them vent, which is why they come to you in the first place. Here are a few insights that can improve your listening skills and strengthen the bond with your child:
- Hold off on trying to solve their problems immediately.
- Encourage them by asking, “What do you think you want to do about it?”
- Remember, they are seeking support; offer it freely, unless their chosen path could harm their well-being.
You are Going to Find Things Out
As a single father, you want to know everything you can about what your children do. You must be prepared for it, even if you do not agree. For example, I was seething over the fact she even had a boyfriend at 15, but I chose to stay silent over that fact. The only thing that came out of my mouth was, “Let’s go out to eat. You can tell me whatever you want at the restaurant.” While still at the house, she hugged me with tears rolling down her face, and I realized if I had said anything, I would have said the wrong thing.
Years later, (she is now 23,) she said to me, “Dad, I really loved how you handled my boyfriend situation back in the day. It let me know that I can talk to you about a lot of stuff.” This is what you want from your children. Keeping the lines of communication open, even when you do not necessarily want to hear what they are saying. What I know is that we can talk about so much. That is critical as a single father.
Don’t be Quick to Offer Opinions or Attempt Solutions
You may have the answer, but wait until your opinion is solicited. I used this method when my oldest told me she wanted to drop out of college. Although I was mad as hell, I realized that the stress and strain she was under was killing her. Just being able to tell me openly and feel she was in a judgment-free zone made all the difference to her.
Again, I kept quiet and heard her out. She told me that her mom’s death and the pressures to perform at school were too much for her. Yes, I wanted to crack from hearing this news, but I realized that if she was strong enough to tell me, then I needed to be strong enough to understand. Understanding is not total agreement. Realize during the throes of the conversation that it is not the best course of action. Here is where you must do some things to calm yourself while still being engaged.
- If you are having a difficult time with what they are saying, tell them but also let the know that you want to hear them out.
- Take a few deep breaths to clam down if you need to.
- Congratulate them on their choice if you feel it is the right one. That validation gives them reassurance that talking with you was a good option.
Stay Engaged
Maintain focus on them and make sure they see that you are. Doing things like turning off your phone in front of them, shows them that you are focused on what they are saying. You need them to feel comfortable and know they are being listened to, and not just being heard.
Reiterate what they are saying to you. This lets them know you are understanding. Stay within the conversation. Let them know that you are listening by simply telling them you are. Ask them questions to see where their head is concerning the matter. Lead your questioning by saying things like “May I ask” or Let me make sure I understand what you are saying.”
Showing that you are fully dialed into them lowers their anxiety over the circumstance and over telling you about it. Being engaged lets them feel that they have made the correct decision in coming to you. They are looking for advice, but they are not looking for you to attempt a solution or solve their problem. Do not rob them of the opportunity to address their own dilemma. An article from Stanford University News said, “Research has shown that engaged parenting helps children build cognitive and emotional skills.”
It can be a double-edged sword when parents cross the line and engagement becomes problem solving. A study conducted by Jelena Obradovic an associate professor at Stanford Graduate School of Education, talks about how too much parenting can become counterproductive. Balance is the key. A way to maintain that balance is to stay engaged with what they are saying. Know when to offer advice and when to simply listen.
Encourage Decision Making
Encourage them by saying things like, “You are growing up and making adult choices.” Make sure to let them know that all choices lead to decisions and decisions come with consequences. Ask them if they
are aware of potential ones and if they are O.K. with them. Ask them to evaluate the choice before deciding. This puts the ball in their court.
Children do not always see the big picture. Their actions may be guided by feelings, so helping them to see the options allows them to make more informed decisions. As their father, you cannot allow your feelings to dictate or guide the discussion. This is hard but by encouraging to make the decision you take yourself out of the process. Remember to breathe and maintain calm. Some ways to help them with the decision-making process is to:
- Ask questions about their feelings. You must put down yours, but remember that children are guided by feeling, so asking them about them helps their process.
- Ask them if they are aware of potential consequences to their decisions.
- Tell them to take time before deciding (take the 24-hour rule).
Keep the Continued Trust
As a single father, keeping trust between you and your children is essential. Allowing them to feel that they can come to you and bounce off ideas or just simply vent is critical. This strengthens your relationship, lets you in their world, and tightens the bond you have. A 2024 article from the Boys and Girls Club of America said, “For parents/guardians, having a trusting relationship with your teen means you’re more likely to have an open dialogue and a strong relationship. Without trust, you may find your child catching you off-guard or going around your back.” If you do not create that relationship, then your children may look to outside sources for validation.
As a single father, you want to be their primary source for trust. Listening to them, allowing them to figure things out, staying engaged, and not being quick to deliver a solution are crucial to obtaining and maintaining that trust. Your children want to make their own decisions. They are at the stage in
their lives where they need your validation without you attempting to solve their problems. Dads understand they are growing up, but they still want your help. That right there is a rewarding feeling.