Written by Have you ever received a present wrapped up in shopping bag paper and taped together with duct tape? I have. It came in the form of marriage, which appeared to be fantastic on the surface but became a disaster over time. It turned out to be the best gift I had ever received. I spent years in this torturous relationship, which was a prison of my making. I led myself to believe that I deserved to be unhappy and that my unhappiness was all my fault. Frankly, some of it was because I decided to keep forcing a square peg into a round hole.
It was not one person’s fault; it was both of ours, but my indecisions kept me comfortable in my discomfort, and hers did too. Unfortunately, instead of us seeing the truth and breaking up, she got sick and died. Her death was by no means the gift I am referring to because she was a remarkable person and a good friend. We just were not compatible as husband and wife. I still miss my friend. What I learned from her death was the gift I am referring to.
I regained much of what I lost in our relationship, like my self-esteem and self-belief. I also gained many new talents and skills that were forced upon me after her death. Cooking and time management were two I can think of right off the bat. I also learned more about myself. I had hidden gifts, such as the ability to be a motivator, podcaster, author, and forward thinker.
I do not know if I would have earned these gifts without going through the pain of a 17-year debacle that was known to me as a marriage. We go through challenges, but a shift in perspective will reveal the gifts from that challenge. You may be experiencing something that you deem unfair or wrong but look at the situation to see what you have learned or are learning from it. Every dilemma has a gift wrapped up in it.
No matter our experience, something must be learned by getting to the other side. For my podcast in the second week of June 2023 episode, I am interviewing a woman named Lois Wagner. Lois was brutally raped and left for dead. That experience was a nightmare for her, but over time, she has used it to help her move forward to discover a better version of herself. She has learned the value of forgiveness for one. She went to the prison of her rapist and forgave him for the act. She is now a public speaker, book author, and advocate for women’s rights. She recently gave a TEDx talk on forgiveness.
Allowing the pain to become fuel instead of an anchor to keep one down is where the gift is found. It takes a change in perspective, which will typically come as we get farther from the status quo of life and closer to our destiny. Life wants people to stay in victim mode because it can control them better from that position. Choosing to see the challenges one endures as a gift instead of a curse is difficult. Wallace Peeples is a podcaster and entrepreneur that goes by the handle @wallo267. He served a 20-year prison sentence but now is worth millions of dollars and speaks to people about turning life around.
Accepting the moniker of “victim” is the label that many feel comfortable with because it allows them to feel justified for their inactions and stagnation. Choosing to turn a mess into a message takes hard work, and as the writer of Can’t Hurt Me, David Coggins, said, “looking in the truth mirror.” (Coggins) Many do not want to face the truth of their stagnation. Instead, it is easier to blame the circumstance for keeping them in place. This is not to say that the difficulty they have endured is to be taken lightly. That is not the case at all. It took me years to get out of my way and out of my head concerning the “story” of my circumstance. Although it was a true story, since it was the past, it is only a story now and nothing to be relived.
Constantly reliving the story is a big reason why people refuse to unwrap the gift in the “shitty” wrapping paper of their narrative. Things happen, and there is no need to seek answers to unexplainable questions or search for a reason behind their happenings. Doing so only amounts to wasted energy and a waste of precious time. Understand that time is our most valuable commodity.
Humans only get one life, so to spend it looking for reasons why something happened instead of moving forward and creating a better version of us is a fool’s errand. Taking that tract also equates to moving without progressing. Denzel Washington talked about running around in circles and allowing it to imitate progress in our minds. Unwrapping the gift in the “shitty” paper means that one has agreed to learn from the experience and utilize it to create progress.
Staying stuck in position is a choice. Growth can only come from taking the story we tell ourselves and creating a new narrative from it. It is the same story, but now the choice is to use it as fuel for forward movement versus an anchor for stagnation. Justifying staying in place will only keep one in a victim’s mindset and will never let a person see their potential.
Sadly, most of the population has chosen to stay locked in position. One reason is that they have managed to find comfort in their discomfort. Instead of marching forward to find their better version, they seek sympathy and answers to enigmas—the desire to unscramble eggs instead of making omelets keep people from discovering that better version.
Allowing the world around them to keep them in comfortable captivity means that they do not have to do the difficult work it takes to advance. Right, wrong, or indifferent, the experience one has endured has happened and cannot be undone. What can be done, however, is making that mental agreement with self to not only unwrap the gift but also to use its contents as a catalyst for progress.
Again, the pain from the experience is real, but the pain of stagnation is also real, and which pain is worse? A LinkedIn article written by a Microsoft Dynamics 365 business developer named Harsh Nager (even his name is a pun) talked about some reasons why people prefer stagnation over progress. He offered some solutions, and one was similar to David Coggins “truth mirror” statement. Nager said,” The first step to finding a solution is realizing and accepting that there is a problem. Accept this situation, acknowledge it, and tell yourself it’s okay. That way, you can focus on the constructive steps to help you.” (Nager)
You cannot escape the pain of the past, and instead of attempting to run, look to find the gift contained in the reality of the experience that was endured. Instead of seeking answers to why it happened, seek solutions that will catapult you to a new existence. It does not matter about the wrapping that contained the gift. It is all about the present. Change the narrative, and the perspective also changes. One can find forgiveness from whatever created the challenge and a new outlook on life that could not have been seen if one did not go through the experience.
Seeing that circumstance as an obstacle to overcome and not an impediment keeping you from progressing forward is vital. Impediments are meant to halt progress, while obstacles are intended to overcome challenges. Stay solution-oriented. Keeping that state of mind will allow you to see the gift disguised as a challenge.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Nwanji, Ngozi. “Wallo267 Shares How He Went From 20 Years In Prison To Signing A Deal Worth ‘Tens Of Millions Of Dollars.'” Yahoo, 14 Dec. 2022.
Fernandes, Marc, host. Lois Wagner, Forgiveness is who I am now. From Survivor to Thriver, Episode 22, Soundcloud, 2022, https://soundcloud.com/fromsurvivortothriver/episode-22-lois-wagner-forgiveness-is-who-i-am-now
Coggins, David. Can’t Hurt Me: 1st ed., Lioncrest Publishing, 2020, https://doi.org/1544507879.
“Don’t Confuse Movement with Progress.” Facebook.Com, uploaded by Facebook/Emmanuel “E-Man” Noisette, 14 May 2022, www.facebook.com/EmansReviews/videos/682392666199727.
Nager, Harsh. “Why Do We Subconsciously Choose Stagnation over Growth?” LinkedIn, 29 May 2020, www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-do-we-subconsciously-choose-stagnation-over-growth-harsh-nager/.