Written by Your Old Way of Life is in Your Past
The life you had before your single fatherhood journey is in your memories. It doesn’t mean you can’t go back and reminisce. What it means is that you can’t attempt to relive them. You also can’t stay upset at the fact that they are gone.
Change is difficult to accept. As humans, we are used to our familiar patterns. We get frustrated, confused, and sometimes angry if we can’t do things based on rote memory. Accepting that change is occurring is one of the first things that must be done. Dr. Debbie Stoewen wrote, “Focusing on what you have no control over will leave you frustrated and exhausted. Instead, let them go. Doing so will help
Move On and Focus Your Energy Constructively
Now that you have accepted change, it’s important to shift your perspective and energy toward constructive outcomes. Attempting to change what can’t be changed quickly morphs into mental and emotional stress. It may be a few areas that become a “wish list” for changes. For example, looking at what caused your single fatherhood experience or understanding that you may not get to have the same previous experience that brought you joy can easily feel like negative emotions of regret. A change in perspective is needed to combat those thoughts.
Where to Go from Here
The only place to go is up. You have been placed in a circumstance that is emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. Although these challenges exist, you must find a way to rise. This is not going to be easy. Frankly, you should not believe it should. You have been given an incredible gift. No, the loss of a relationship or a person who died is not a gift at all. That is the curse of “shitty” wrapping paper. The gift is wrapped inside.
Your gift is now seeking what is new about you. Situations will bring out a better version of yourself. The pressure you feel is producing a diamond that has been in the rough. Diamonds are created by the right circumstances. See your transformation in that sense.
Here are a few ways to discover your new skills and talents:
- Look at what you do now that was handled by your significant other.
- Find something new you like. Something that you never would have considered.
- Reignite an old desire. Ask yourself, “What did I want to do that I never attempted?”
- Embrace 1-2 new gifts and learn how to master them.
- Do something or go somewhere you have never gone before.
Look at the new talents and skills you have acquired during your single fatherhood journey. Many of these gifts would not have been obtained without the experiences you endured. There are times you may want to trade them for how it used to be. That is a normal feeling. Single fatherhood is the best experience that no man should ever have to face, but since you have, you only have one play here. Become better from the experience you endured.
How to Become Better from the Loss Experience
Focusing on what you lost keeps you trapped. Caught in a loop, but stagnant. You must see the loss as a time in your life that had to change for some reason beyond your control. Change can either be a detriment or an opportunity. It depends on how you choose to look at it. Everything must change at some point. Yearning for your world to stay as it has means that you are not looking to grow.
When you have that mentality, life has another plan. Accepting loss and change does not mean that you believe you are destined to stay in a bad place. It will feel that way for a time, but that is the pressure that is forging your diamond. Looking at what you can become is the best way to move through the challenges. You will begin to see them as reasons that create growth.
Do not blame yourself for the experience that caused your single fatherhood. You have responsibilities to realize, but taking responsibility leads to freedom. Blame only keeps you trapped in a circular firing squad. That’s a term Barack Obama referenced in a speech he gave at a town hall event in Berlin, Germany. The best way to avoid getting shot is to step out of the circle and walk towards your destiny. Avoiding mental and emotional bullets simply makes you better. You are no longer stooping down to the level of people firing in a circular fashion.
Seeing Opportunity in Gloominess
As they say, storms all pass. Your situation will not last forever. You must believe that, or it will. Look for the bright skies and the rainbow ahead. This is not imagining it will get better; it is believing you have the strength to weather the storm. Like a tree in a storm, your root system keeps you grounded even if you lose a branch or some leaves.
Take the cadre of skills you have obtained, combine them with the understanding of your endurance, and add a sprinkle of belief and faith. You now have a powerful elixir that you can drink to enhance your courage and stamina. This is how you must see the light that is within the darkness of the storm. Stay moving and you will surface.
Opportunity is knocking at your door. Will you be brave enough to let it in? Presently, it appears to be dismal, but again, it is the pressure that is transforming you into a diamond. Your single fatherhood experience is another step that you must take. Having the kids with you lets you know that you are not walking this journey alone.
The Kids Are Becoming Diamonds Also
Along with circumstances, you are also responsible for their transformation. They are becoming more resilient because they see you. They believe that they can handle change because they are witnessing you do it. Kids are tough. They get stronger by seeing strength.
Continuously show growth by accepting the nuances of change. Showing them how to bend, morph, and reshape themselves is critical to their understanding of how to do so. Providing them with the mental and emotional tools they need to survive and teaching them how to utilize them are crucial. It also helps to build your resilience and self-esteem. Remember, it was you who showed them the way. I always tell single fathers to give themselves credit for that.
The world may not give you the credit you deserve, but allow the actions of you and your kids to speak louder than words. You do not have to acknowledge others who may be looking to discredit you and your accolades. You and the kids keep moving forward. All the credit you will ever need is in the faces of your children.
In Losing Yourself, You Are Creating a New Version of Yourself
Every reiteration has components of the last one. There are still parts of you that remain. Those are the good parts that deserve to stay with you. Much of the old version of you was burned off in the fire of your single fatherhood experience, but some of you remained. You were not utterly destroyed.
You are now being upgraded. Upgrades never stop. It is like the iPhone. Even version 16 has components and features of version 1. Realize your single fatherhood journey is full of change. Embracing it is better than attempting to reject or ignore it. Change is going to happen, whether you like it or not. Life doesn’t care about your likes or dislikes. All life wants to know is how you are becoming better.
See change as a privilege versus an impediment. See obstacles of change as challenges to overcome. We all have the capacity to do so. In some cases, people blame society. They give their power away. A single father who makes the conscious choice to navigate change, accept its reality, but continue to move on, and decides to discover new possibilities.