Written by “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” (Joseph Campbell). I heard Eddie Pinero say this quote on his podcast, Your World Within. (Pinero, 2022) The statement could not be truer. Looking to find a better version of yourself is ripe with indecision, and anything that has helped aid that venture is often our justification for not moving forward.
The costs can be personal, financial, relational, or at times even mental. The fear of losing these things keeps us from venturing to find a better version of ourselves. People who have or are experiencing grief already feel like they have given up so much. Their loss is devastating and sometimes feels too much to bear. This is understood because the impact of the grief-related matter has hit the person like a ton of bricks.
The loss weighs heavy on the mind and constantly pulls at emotions, often leaving people numb, unable to think, and unsure of their movements. It stinks but moving is what must be done. You will never move on from your grief because the person, place, thing, or circumstance you are grieving for holds significance, but you can move forward through it. There is no real-time limit on the period related to mourning over the grief but continuing to let the grief stifle you is a choice over time.
Ask yourself, “Would who or what I am mourning over be happy seeing me in this state?” It is a question that must be contemplated. If life before the grief was not detrimental, continuing to live detrimentally is not helping you. Finding purpose in pain helps to create movement. It is scary because it is like Joseph Cabell’s cave analogy. You seek the treasure of freedom from the horrific pain you have endured, yet you fear looking for it for a few reasons:
- You do not want to feel you are abandoning the person, place, thing, or situation you are mourning.
- You feel that being a newer version of yourself means that you are leaving your old self behind. This one has some merit because becoming a better version of yourself means leaving some of your old self behind.
- You do not want to start over again because what you had was right at the time. The operable words are “at the time.”
Everything changes, and grief will change you immensely. Whatever you are grieving over will impact a person differently; grief is personal. Although the issue related to the grief may differ, making your agreement with yourself to walk through it is not. How it is done will look, feel and be different for everyone, but the decision to do should be universal if the choice is made.
Your approach may differ from the next griever, which is okay. Also, your timelines may differ from someone else, which is fine also, but at some point, agreeing to walk forward is what every person in grief should obligate themselves to do. Again, ask yourself the question concerning who or what you are grieving over. If it is a person, ask yourself, “Would they want to see me this way over them.” If it is a situation such as a bad breakup or divorce, ask yourself, “Is walling myself off from new possibilities helping or hurting.” If the grief is over a job loss, ask yourself, “Is this the only thing I can do, or did this loss present me with new possibilities.” Everything hinges on perspective. Do not let justifications become missed opportunities.
Going back with attempts to recreate the world that grief has taken will only keep a person locked in the grief. Choosing to build a new one and use the grieving experience to help become a benefit and path to healing. Learning from the loss will help change perspective. Instead of seeing the grief through the eyes of a victim, one is now growing and creating a victory mindset.
Emotions are energy (Unilever 2019), and the ability to manipulate that energy is in each person. It will be difficult, but living with what emotions want is also difficult. This is not to say that one should go from sad to happy. That is totally unrealistic. Grief wounds people, and it takes time to start the healing journey. The choice, though, should not be to live in pain. The choice should be to live with the pain and find the best way to use it to move you forward. Your memories of past events are memories now, and how you address them will determine if you use them to your advantage or let them continue to use you.
Bibliography
[YouTube/Your World Within]. (2022, September 14). Your Mind Is The Key To Your Success | Powerful Motivational Speeches [Video]. Your World Within. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUdqw0_S95w
Cambell, J. (nd) https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/192665-the-cave-you-fear-to-enter-holds-the-treasure-you
Working Well Limited/Unilever (2019). Emotional Energy. Mental Health Work. https://cdn.mentalhealthatwork.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/29103243/HPH-Emotional-Energy.pdf