Written by Why Did This Happen?
When a man loses the love of his life due to the nature of some form, it is a heartbreaking experience. The brain’s neurological connection to the person is severed, but the memories of the relationship linger. The emotional trauma is compounded even further if the man immediately becomes a single father. He isn’t only navigating his feelings but also those of his children.
Like he has lost his mate, the kids have lost their other caregiver. When the family unit is violently shaken up, everyone is deeply affected. The circumstance calls for immediate action, when stagnation feels like it should be the only option. The swirling thoughts, emotions, and needs for action are too much to handle.
The brain goes into a fight or flight response as a form of protection for those experiencing loss. According to science, the Amygdala region of the brain (the area responsible for emotion) sends signals to the Hypothalamus, which pumps epinephrine into the bloodstream. It happens so quickly that people do not have time to react.
The Decision-Making Process
Although one is hit with an onslaught of immediate decisions that must be made, from funeral arrangements to financial decisions, one must pause. One’s brain invokes tactics that address this need to pause. Episodes of what is considered “grief brain or foggy brain” may develop. Stagnation, memory loss, and trouble with annunciation are part of this phenomenon.
According to Dr. Lisa Shulman, a neuroscientist and contributor to the American Brain Foundation, grief can disrupt many the brain. She stated, “Over the long term, grief can disrupt the diverse cognitive domains of memory, decision-making, visuospatial function, attention, word fluency, and the speed of information processing.”
It is Not Wise to Attempt Difficult Decision-Making During this Period
Here is where one must rely on others to help them navigate through this point in time. Find people you can trust who will help you manage this period. Certain decisions can be allocated to help manage the process.
- Contacting family, friends, and funeral professionals to help with arrangements.
- Contact your child’s school and inform them of the situation, so they can put protocols in place to help your children manage this period.
- Put finances on auto-draft so that major financial obligations are still being met while you address your healing process.
- Reach out for professional help from therapists, counselors, ministers, and trusted friends and family for moral support.
In the interim, one will feel helpless and needy, but those feelings are expected. Do not believe you are being a burden during this time. Those who understand your circumstances will be helpful and happy to offer support. When a situation that you did not anticipate (even if it was scheduled to happen) initially occurs, knowing there are people in place to help manage the decision-making process is crucial.
Ready but not Really Ready
There will come a time when you will want to start to navigate your new life without the person you lost. You may feel ready to do so. It may have been some time since the loss. You want to move forward. Realize that moving forward does not have to be in leaps and bounds. Progress can occur slowly. Having strong, supportive friends, family, and professionals is an excellent way to test your navigation abilities.
Things seem difficult, but you have pillars of support that will keep you up. Here is where sympathy morphs into empathy and compassion.
Those who were with you at the beginning of your ordeal may still be there to walk with you. Understand that everyone you relied on or thought would be there for you may not be. It will be shocking to know that those who said they would support you will not when you need it most. It is hard, but understand that it serves you no good to stay upset at them. They informed you of something important. You cannot take everything said at face value.
Do not focus on staying upset. Use it as a lesson. All lessons are informative. Information makes you smarter. Shifting your perspective allows you to change your mindset. You have so much to deal with, and needless anger only increases emotional tension. The best suggestion is to find other people to support you. Vulnerability is hard when you have experienced loss, but it is also freedom.
It is freedom because it allows you to grow. The unfortunate grief experienced is a form of growth. The feeling of readiness is a part of the healing process. You will never forget the person you lost, and there is no timeline when it comes to grieving. How you choose to grieve over time is what matters.
The New Phase of Your Life
You have been forced to explore the next phase of your life. The choice to hang on to the loss is apprehensive. It is looking at the past instead of using it to create your future. Finding ways to morph the memories of the loss into honoring is crucial. Doing so allows you to use the past’s circumstances as fuel for progress. The person you lost would not want you to be stagnant over their death.
Using Their Death as Your Fuel for Forward Progress is the Way to Both Create Your New Phase in Life and Honor the People You’ve Lost
Use the experiences of time you had with them to give you an incentive. This takes a different way of thinking. It means you must get out of the comfort of being uncomfortable. A “It’s good enough” mindset must be replaced with “I can do it better.” Even if it hurts and pulls one away from the comfort zone, it puts one on the path to progress.
Nature runs its course of life, becoming death. We are uncomfortable with the “when and how.” This unknowing is done on purpose because it is the catalyst designed to move a person forward. Psychology can tell us why we feel the way we do, but it cannot help us move past the feelings to create progress. To do so, one must address a few factors:
- Come to terms with loss as a fact of being alive.
- Understand that we have a finite amount of time on this planet, and we do not know when it will end.
- Discover how to turn fear into momentum instead of allowing it to create stagnation.
To Do This, One Must Take This Course of Action
- Be grateful for the life you have and the time you have it.
- Be scared, but do it anyway.
- Make each day an opportunity. Do not go through the day, but grow through the day.
Honoring the Love Lost is the Way to Get Through the Loss
You will never forget the love of your life. You formed a neurological connection with them over your time together. Remembering the past allows one to create a new future, which can be derived from it.
Honoring a Lost Loved One Can Take Many Forms
- Looking at pictures. Creating a collage of them through time and the time you’ve spent with them.
- Fulfilling their bucket list.
- Using your love for them as fuel to do new and different things.
Nature’s decision to complete one’s life cycle is challenging to those who survive the person they lost. There will be a period that the survivor must go through. That point in time will be confusing, frustrating, and filled with questions. It is important to know that this is natural and your healing is running its course. There will be a point at which you can stand on your own.
Look at your lost love as a way to honor the person and create your future at the same time. Believing in your ability to manage challenging periods is key to progress. Your strength is one reason why you met and built a relationship with each other in the first place.