Written by Today I woke up and decided not to make this a rough day. You see, it is my late wife’s birthday, and she would have been 53 years old. Her death pisses me off so much, but I have learned that I cannot change the fact that she died, but I can choose to honor the incredible life she led. She left behind two amazing daughters, whom I have had the privilege of raising solo in her absence. She has given me so many gifts, tools, and talents that have risen due to her unexpected passing.
It has been since 2016 that I have had to battle the feelings behind her loss, and this date especially is challenging. I often felt that she left this world too early, but I can’t focus on her loss, instead, I must channel this emotional energy into something constructive. Writing this article is my way of rechanneling those feelings. Choice is the key element when navigating emotions. Feeling will lead you to believe that making bad decisions (although they feel good in the moment) will provide you a sense of permanence and counter your bad feelings. Reality is that making the choice to run away from them will only make the matter worse and can affect one on several levels.
I feel that God (the universe or whatever you want to call it) works in the most mysterious of ways. I was scrolling through TikTok and came across a post by a friend of mine named Jacob, who is doing a public speaking challenge. His theme for the day was choice, mentioning an experiment done by Alia Crum and it discussed how the mind reacts to thought. She created an experiment that involved a milkshake and told one group that the shake was not going to fill them up, and told her control group the true nature of the shake and that its contents would. The physical results were astounding. The group that was told the shake would not, convinced their mind and their body that it was not that filling, their brain, which registers what is called a Ghrelin response (the brain’s response to food/calorie intake), did not know the difference.
The Power of Choice
Choice is powerful, and your decisions will affect your beliefs. When we believe we can do something, our minds will draw us to actions that will align with that belief system. An article in a Penn State journal, written by Matt Swayne, talked about the power of choice. He stated, “Instead of trying to represent the values of all of the alternatives, adaptive decision-making was supported by selectively maintaining high-value options while forgetting the rest.” On the other hand, when we tell ourselves that we cannot do something, the mind will complement that feeling also, validating our disbeliefs. I work with single fathers, and I constantly discuss the power of belief, even in challenging circumstances. I often use affirmation to help them readjust their mindset to focus their thoughts towards believing they can achieve results, even in the face of enormous challenges. I then impel them to look at past achievements in other areas to help them see that they have the power to do what they consider to be too challenging.
Reshaping thoughts and shifting mindsets are crucial to navigating a single father’s parenting journey successfully. The road is ripe with challenges, but instead of seeing challenges as impediments, I encourage them to see them as obstacles to get over and through. The combination of affirmation and past proof can be powerful in convincing a person that they can overcome. When a person believes they can do something, their mind activates to influence the belief. Single fathers must understand that every challenge that must be overcome begins with believing it can be done.
Society, with its negative statistics, can convince a single father that achieving single parenting goals is difficult and almost impossible. Adding to their already full life of work and obligations can lead single fathers to believe they can’t effectively navigate the single parent journey. I challenge men to use their past achievements and new skills acquired from parenting as tools to aid them along the path. Getting them to understand that they are navigating a journey that they once had assistance with, but now they have acquired the tools taught to them through osmosis. They once only managed certain tasks within their household because they had help from the other parent, but now that they do not, they have learned to manage how to do what the other person used to do.
Belief Reinforcement
This is valuable in helping single fathers to reconstruct their new path, because it enforces the belief that they can find ways to traverse obstacles. It also helps to increase their self-esteem and self-beliefs by showing them evidence of what they have already overcome. I must reinforce this fact, because it is easy to forget that they have overcome challenging odds in the past. I often tell single fathers to give themselves credit regarding their past achievements, further reinforcing their belief systems.
This all comes down to choice. The choice to believe that going forward, despite the hardships, is the best way to get over the next one. Life will be full of challenging twists and turns, but making the choice to move forward despite the negative headwinds is quintessential to becoming successful. Achieving the goal, even when it seemed too difficult, gives a single father more ammunition concerning the obstacles they have overcome. Each time a new challenge is met, it gives more credence to the belief that nothing is impossible and that hard times can be navigated through.
True growth is only achieved through challenges, and the challenges that a single father faces give them the understanding that every day they wake up and face them gives them additional strength. It also quells the negative voices that are both outside influences and the ones in their own mind. This is when I encourage single parent men to use affirmations to tell themselves that “I did it before and I can do it again.” I also let them know that the fight is ongoing, but they have the tools needed to stay moving.
Give Yourself Credit
Taking this approach also shows their children that challenges are not a reason to stop or quit; it is a way to open the mind to seek a different way to handle the task. Remember that your children see how
you navigate through the journey, and each time you successfully overcome one, you show them that they can do the same. You are not just doing this for yourself, but you are also doing it to show them how to navigate life’s challenging paths. Continue to give yourself the credit that you deserve. Wear your single father moniker with pride because it resonates with the children that you are raising on your own. Let that reality be a reminder when you are feeling that things are challenging. Yes, it may feel like pressure, but pressure produces diamonds, and you want to shine not just for you, but for your children as well.
This is the overall power of choice. You can choose to let life dictate how you respond, or you can find a way to meet a challenge. When you find that way, you have expanded your mind, given yourself another tool for navigation, and learned something about yourself that would not have been discovered if you had not met the challenge with the choice that led to your decision to overcome. Choices led to decisions, and those decisions influenced your actions, and those actions ultimately produced results, but it started with making a choice. Give yourself credit because your choices are navigating your journey. It doesn’t get easier, but you become stronger through the process.