Written by Katt Williams did a stand-up comedy special in 2008 called “It’s Pimpin, Pimpin.” In it, he gave his take on haters and discussed their value. He said, “You gotta be grateful, you need haters.” His statement seemed antithetical, but it is absolutely true. Haters serve as the best fuel source that one aspiring to rise, could ever have. The hate others attempt is a combination of a few factors. First, their disbelief that you are bold enough to go after your dream. The next is the regret they feel in their heart for themselves because they are doing things they would not. Another is the fact that the pursuit of your goal is a mirror in their face. That mirror reflects self-hatred, but many attempt to stab at you for their inactions while simultaneously downplaying their fears.
People do not want to look at their inadequacies, so they attack your attempts at success. If they believe they can tear you down, it makes them feel temporarily better. It somehow validates in their mind that they did not pursue their attempts to be great. Let me be clear when I say the word “great.” I am not saying that everyone should look to be adorned by fans and achieve financial success (it is also ok if that is one’s goal), but what I am saying is the pursuit of personal greatness must trump justifications of mediocrity. Many people make the excuse that outside factors have kept them from achieving. The reality is that the outside factors are simply doing their job, and the problem is that they are better at it than the person being held down.
Unfortunately, we live in a misery loves company kind of environment. One that sympathizes with mediocrity and attacks anyone who is looking to achieve a goal that seems too high to reach by the masses. Once that goal is reached, then many haters become unconscious fans. They cannot believe that you achieved your goal despite the challenges, difficulties, and hardships endured, plus they are secretly enamored by the fact that you are able to shake off the hate they gave, as well. It truly is amazing, and your haters know this.
That is why publicly, they will hate, but privately, they will worship. I was looking for research to validate this statement, and I came across a funny website called The Urban Dictionary. In it, the term “hater-fan” appeared. The author stated, “You know you’re a hater-fan if you envy somebody but treat them like shit because you’re not them.” This is not real data to support the statement, and it was just funny that another validated my thoughts. There is no true science to the hater phenomenon, but there is scientific information to explain why people act this way.
The Dunning-Krueger effect was described by the two social psychologists that bear the effects name. They discussed that inadequate people might act like they “know it all” and ultimately downplay others. An article on the Verywellmind.com website discussed the Dunning-Krueger effect and a few reasons why some act this way.
The article listed a few reasons:
- Overestimate their skill levels.
- Fail to recognize the genuine skill and expertise of other people.
- Fail to recognize their own mistakes and lack of skill.
Why am I discussing this in the realm of grief? The reason is that grief creates a feeling of incompetence (although the griever is not at all), but it does allow others to successfully attack the griever and throw off plans to navigate through their grief. Grief is energy and can be used to move a person forward and to a better version of themselves.
The challenge is that one will also be confronted with a series of haters along the path, who are hell-bent on being a crab in the barrel versus a helping hand. A major reason is that the person in grief is readjusting to a new environment without the person they lost, which may change an attitude that others once knew. In Mary Frances O’Conner’s book, “The Grieving Brain,” she discusses that the brain is relearning and must refamiliarize itself while learning to navigate a new normal. This process is unfamiliar to people that the griever knows, and it may be taken negatively, instead of an understanding of the healing process. Consequently, survival instincts take over, and the person addressing the griever is now in defense mode.
Because a person does not realize how the grieving process is changing the brain of someone they knew before the grief, they now feel they must defend themselves from something they do not recognize from the griever. This all seems unbelievable because it is based on mutual misunderstanding, but grief is great at playing on that misunderstanding. Now people that once sympathized may become haters, and the cycle will continue unless the griever lets it go because the person they offended normally will not.
I am getting off track with my original premise, but that situation is an opportunity for the griever to understand that their transformation through learning will produce haters. People may feel slighted that their efforts to understand were not met with understanding, while they, unfortunately, do not realize that the griever is adapting to a new normal themselves.
I am saying that some haters became that way because of misunderstanding. That is what I am getting at. Here is where they become unconscious fans because they knew the person you were Before the grief, and they see that you are working through it (even though the hater felt slighted because of the actions of the griever).
People navigating through grief also feel that they are misunderstood by many, and that feeling may also mimic the feeling of being hated by others. People navigating grief must learn to harness these emotions and understand that focusing on improving themselves must be the priority. To reroute thinking to combat haters, perceived haters, or circumstances that will derail one from growing through the grief is exactly what grief wants. You must use the actions of perceived hate or actual hate to your advantage, by repurposing the energy into fuel. The Mortal Combat approach will not move the needle forward, but the repurposing approach does. It will not feel good in the interim but understand that you must control that emotion. Letting it get out of hand will not achieve your goal; consequently, you have now allowed others to control you.
The goal is getting to a better version of self; to do so means one must ignore the perceived hate, harness the negative energy, and let the hatred become fuel for progress. People navigating through grief must learn to dance in the middle of the rainstorm and become OK with anyone hating on them and looking to derail progress. It is not easy, it is unfair and cruel, but you have two choices. (Choice #1) Combatting haters means you have decided to use your valuable energy to fight an unwinnable war, (#Choice#2) instead of harnessing the negative energy and using it to fuel your progress.
Realize that your haters win when you choose to combat them. You turn them into fans when you keep moving forward and ignore the onslaughts or perceptions. Everyone is not hating on you, although it may feel that way. Many people do not understand what it is taking for you to navigate through the experience of the grief that you have been saddled with. It is hard to have compassion for those that do not realize what you are going through, so the alternative is to continue moving instead of stopping to confront haters. Allow their taunts to become your fuel.
The byproduct is that their hate will eventually turn into admiration. You will be brutally assaulted in your battle through your grief. It will feel like navigating through the gauntlet at times but understand that every battle you endure amounts to strength, and there is no need to wage a war that will take away the energy you need to fight the grief. Two-front wars are not advisable. Napoleon learned that, and he was great at military strategy. Navigating grief does not have to be a military action; ignoring haters does not have to be either. Instead, take the approach of Judo and learn to use their energy against them. Again, it is about extracting fuel, so keep that in mind and learn to turn haters into fans through continued progress.
Learn to become “A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma.” (Churchill) The less you channel your energy towards haters, the more powerful you become because ignoring them is upsetting to them. Haters soon realize that their actions do not phase you, but they fail to understand that their actions are strengthening you.
Bibliography
Katt Williams: It’s Pimpin Pimpin. Directed by Troy Miller, Salient_Media, 2008.
Ggrrrrr. “Hater-fan.” Urban Dictionary, 25 Dec. 2011, www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hater-fan. Accessed 27 Jun. 2023.
Cherry, Kendra MSEd, and Aaron Johnson. “What Is the Dunning-Kruger Effect?” VeryWellmind, 8 Nov. 2022, www.verywellmind.com/an-overview-of-the-dunning-kruger-effect-4160740. Accessed 27 Jun. 2023.
O’Connor, Mary F. Ph.D. The Grieving Brain. 1st ed., Harper One, 2023.
Churchill, Winston. “A Riddle Wrapped in a Mystery inside an Enigma — Churchill.” Library of Congress, 1939, www.loc.gov/item/2016683579/. Accessed 27 Jun. 2023.