Written by Let’s face it: Simply battling the daily struggles of grief, anguish, or even mental depression is already an intense grind. Add to the fact that you have committed to change, and forward progress only makes it feel worse. The reason is that almost every day that a person is looking to do something special (like start a business, organize a movement, invent, etc.), the number of failures and hardships can be rough; it adds up to a depressive type of grief, that feels like one is walking through quicksand.
The fact that you are doing everything to move forward and not seeing actual progress makes one feel like they will not make their desires happen, and it makes those voices in their heads seem like they (the ones grinders constantly ignore and affirm) are correct. The holidays make that feeling even more intense.
There are a few factors that further intensify the effect. Things such as missing the people you are honoring through your grind. Some people use positive activity and commitment to change to honor the people they lost. The holidays are heavy reminders of those losses.
Again, it makes one feel like their efforts are in vain. Understand that they are not; even though you do not see the progress, it is happening. Do not let the grief win that battle, even though it has an ally in the holidays.
Understand that you cannot do anything about the feelings but can motivate yourself because of them. There are no magic pills. Self-inebriation and doing crazy stuff to stave off the pain (you know what I am referring to) will not alleviate, cure, or halt these feelings from happening. The only thing that helps is standing up to the feelings. Realize that the fear has been manufactured into worst-case scenarios in your mind.
There are a few suggestions and recommendations that can help to reduce the holiday “blah.”
- Make a gratitude list: This lets you see what you have instead of what you do not.
- Make an “I have done that” list: It works the same way a gratitude list does, except it allows you to look at how far you have come in your ventures instead of how much further you need to go.
- Volunteer: Many Therapists talk about how the act of giving intensifies positive feelings.
- Exercise: Nothing fights the feelings of grief like activity. Group/family activities like cooking and moving through the mall or store are excellent during the holiday. Carrying those heavy presents helps with strength, handling so many of them provides coordination benefits, and the sheer store-to-store walking helps to get your exercise goals in (which equates to reducing calories). Then there are good old body workouts or weight rooms. Don’t forget things like biking, hiking, etc., which are plenty of activities that can increase endorphin levels.
- Reach out: Contact people you have been meaning to. This helps build strong support during the holidays. It seems cliché, so tell it to them in the conversation (it becomes a point of laughter), then make commitments to be in contact more often than on holidays. Be authentic and genuine; those acts translate into positive feelings that can be felt through joy, laughter, and reminiscence through touches with old friends and family.
The holidays can be daunting for people, and it can be incredibly daunting for people grieving. The matter is compounded when one is putting in work to address them. Again, it gives a feeling of disappointment. No matter what things look like, one must see the better version of themselves emerging through the challenges.
Fighting this “good fight” means that you have agreed with yourself to bring new meanings to the effects of the holidays on your grief. Always remembering that you are moving forward is that reminder that one must keep in one’s mind. Your grief will do everything it can in an attempt to keep you at bay. The pain will be there if you stay stagnant or move forward.
The difference is that one pain is the pain of progress, while the other is the pain of stagnation. The latter pain also morphs into the pain of regret, which is one of grief’s biggest allies. Understand that one will not avoid the pain, but one can use the pain as fuel for progress. Doing this allows one to get meaning from the hurt they are experiencing.
You will forever miss your loss, no matter the type (bereavement, divorce, job loss, empty nest syndrome, etc.). Since one cannot do anything about the loss, it is not beneficial to focus your energy on it. Instead, learning to process it and develop a strategy that includes turning your challenges into opportunities to honor, grow, and become better due to the loss is key.
The holidays are there as a reminder of the good things to celebrate. Do not jail yourself by reminding yourself of what you have lost. Mindset is essential when managing your grief during the holidays. Some may feel they cannot see the bigger picture because the one in front of them is so bleak. It is an understandable feeling and one I empathize with.
The truth is, though, these are self-created images looking to incur sympathy about the circumstance. These images and feelings place one in “victim mode,” a place where grief wants you to be. Do not give your grief the ammunition to take you down. Overriding the emotions and feelings will be difficult, but so is allowing them to continue to hurt you. The reality is that one must choose one’s pain. As mentioned earlier, the pain is unavoidable, but choice creates an option of how to process the pain one is experiencing.
The holidays are a time to reach out for help if one is experiencing severe challenges that are impeding progress because the reality is that the pain of loss is complicated and is compounded by the feeling of the holidays. You feel strange because everyone is in a festive mood except for you. Do not, because one must understand that you are experiencing feelings and emotions triggered by the season and others’ reactions to it. Do not take it personally because doing that will only create a justification for being angry through the season.
It will not be easy. Understanding that you have committed to moving forward means that when grief has an opportunity to attempt to set you back, it will use it. Since it has no problem using your emotions against you, turn it around and use its negative energy against it. Doing things like honoring the loss versus dwelling on it is one way. Another way is to see your progress because even though it appears slow now, it is much farther than you once were.
Memories of the people you lost (if your grief is bereavement-related) should always be seen differently than remembering what you have lost. The great times you had while you had the pleasure of being with them should act as motivation. If your grief is due to something like a divorce or a bad breakup, see it as an opportunity to reflect more on yourself or the opportunity to find someone worthy of your affection. If you are experiencing a job loss or financial matter, consider what you have and formulate a plan to address how you will move forward. The new year will soon be upon you. That can act as a starting point or even allow you to see the growth you have created for yourself from your previous experiences.
What stinks is that one cannot escape the feeling of the holiday season. One does have the choice to use the season as an opportunity to motivate them and move forward. Again, this takes choice and shifting your perspective. Do not let the grief control you emotionally. Realize your progress, use its negative energy against it, and enjoy a festive occasion as best as possible.
Bibliography
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